Uncle H

One year ago I received a call that changed my life.

 

My uncle had been murdered.

 

He had not been out looking for trouble.

 

He wasn't doing anything he wasn't suppose to be doing.

 

He wasn't a trouble maker.

 

He didn't hang around the wrong crowd.

 

He was a dignified man. A proper respectable man.

 

He was an intelligent and hard working man.

 

He was shot in his home.

 

He was shot by a male that is none of those things.

 

His death was essentially a school yard fight over a girl.

 

The past year has been a surreal labyrinth of emotions.

 

Neither murder nor sudden death are the norm for my family.

 

There was absolute shock, no doubt.

 

Denial wasn't an option.

 

The immediate absences of my uncle's profound and engaging spirit made it impossible to deny.

 

Silence and sadness fill a space he once owned.

 

There was comfort in the days that followed.

 

His colleagues and former students offered constant reminders of the powerful and gentle being that he was.

 

His friends emanated his laughter and his humor.

 

Being in New Mexico was like being surrounded by him and his spirit.

 

Despite what had happened, there was peace there.

 

 

This tree was planted on the university campus he loved.

 

 

Friends have said, repeatedly, "I can't imagine what it's like..."

 

For me, this is what it's like to have a loved one murdered:

 

I constantly wonder why.

 

I wonder what his last words were.

 

Did he feel pain?

 

Did he think everything was going to be OK?

 

Was this woman worth his life?

 

Was she as wonderful to him as he deserved?

 

Did he have a wonderful day that day?

 

Was he concerned about what his family might see or find?

 

He was a master of words, did the murderer hear something that he needs to tell us?

 

It happened to him, could it happen to me or the kids?

 

In addition to the unanswered questions there are the, "I wish I could.."

 

I wish I could email him and ask him a question about Sherlock Holmes that the boy needs answered.

 

I need to ask him for the Greek word for the ending of a play.

 

I know he knew I loved him, but did he know how much he meant to me?

 

I wish I could ask him if he heard Cold Play's newest song.

 

Did he see that last email I sent?

 

I wish I could call him and ask him when he was coming to visit.

 

I wish I could tell him what life is like without him.

 

Spring break is coming up- can we meet and do something?

 

The kids say the funniest things....He would laugh.

 

 

 

At great niece's wedding. Always a smile.

 

 

I have also been asked what I felt or what I would say to the murderer if I was given the opportunity.

 

Here it is:

 

You didn't murder a man was involved in your psychotic love triangle.

 

You didn't win the game by murdering them.

 

You didn't prove anything to anybody.

 

You murdered a brother, a son, an uncle.

 

You murdered a man that loved his family.

 

You murdered a man that is loved by his family. Dearly.

 

You murdered a professor that inspired young minds.

 

You murdered a son that loved and cared for his mother.

 

You murdered a brother that laughed with his siblings.

 

You murdered an uncle that loved his nieces and nephews as if they were his own children.

 

You murdered the man that could answer any question, about anything, at any given moment.

 

You murdered a man that learned his life lessons and was at peace in life.

 

You murdered a man that had endearing names for his nieces and nephews.

 

You murdered a man that never forgot a birthday or a holiday.

 

You murdered a man that loved babies.

 

You murdered a peaceful man.

 

You murdered a man that spoke seven different languages.

 

You murdered a humble man.

 

You murdered a man that was bigger and better than you.

 

You murdered a man that you could never be.

 

You murdered a man that would never stoop to a love triangle.

 

You murdered a man that Stefania knew was better than you.

 

You murdered a man that was so much more than this stupid psychotic jealousy triangle.

 

You murdered a man that prayed with you before you killed him.

 

But I think you already know all this.

 

That's why you murdered him.

 

 

Another great niece. A great great uncle.

 

  

I heard once that evil requires no forgiveness. I don't know that yet.

 

I have not gotten to the point of forgiveness. I still won't allow myself to accept that someone else did this.

 

 

 

  

 

In my quest through the labyrinth of emotions this year I have really tried to focus on what lesson can be learned.

 

As I sat crying over my cup of coffee in the kitchen, yesterday, my princess asked why I was crying.

 

I told her that I missed my uncle and that he was in Heaven. I told her that I wanted him here.

 

She replied, "I'm here, mommy."

 

That's the answer.

 

It's that simple.

 

That is the lesson to be learned from this.

 

Celebrate what is here. Enjoy the love that is here.

 

Nothing else deserves that energy or focus.

 

Just love.

 

Never let an opportunity to hug or love pass you by.